Male Contraception

Would you trust a guy to keep up with a birth control routine? I wouldn't--most guys can't be trusted to keep a goldfish alive, much less remember to take a pill every day, or drag themselves to the doctor every couple of months. Still, science types in Britain are testing a male birth control shot.

Your Bastard Children Should Not Have Your Name

The big feminist topic of the Oughts is the whole last-name issue. In short: if a woman marries a dude, should she take his last name? Keep her last name? Hyphenate? Make a whole new name? And what should their kids be named?
Fuck, let's just tell the truth. And the truth is, there is no good reason to change your last name, ever. There are no advantages, and tons of disadvantages to changing your last name. If the last name you were born with is something horrible like "Vandergoosenburgen" or "Hitler", you might want to change your surname to a name that you like and is suited to your first name. Why do married people have to have matching last names? Do they have to get matching haircuts too? Ridiculous.
Which surname should be passed down to the children? I'll tell you who the kids should be named after: they should be named after the person who spent thirty hours pushing them out of their vagina. Which is the woman, in 99.9% of cases. People, life isn't Maury. Paternity tests are not 100%. The only parent who can be sure the kid is theirs is the mother, since, you know, the kid came out of her body.
Vulvatron OUT!

Manimorphs

Any of yous ever agree to meet up with a man friend that, while you may have chatted online with / texted / emailed, twittered, whatever; you haven't seen, in person, for a few months? I know all you's got that NPOA* you keep around, waiting in the wings, an insurance policy against breakups, boredom, or the boyfriend being out of town for a few days, but ladies, just like it's important to change your oil and keep fresh batteries in the smoke detector, it's important to periodically check and make sure your back-up plan hasn't manimorphed.

I cannot stress this enough. It takes a woman years to "let herself go". Ladies, men have the ability to go from fab to fug in a matter of days. I work in a lab so believe me, I know.

Let's talk about this one guy I know. Let's call him Vince, because that's his name. Vince is an old friend, and before Maria says anything, I HAVE NEVER SLEPT WITH / DONE ANYTHING WITH VINCE. Never happened, never gonna happen, BECAUSE HE'S A MANIMORPH.

Vince is a solid 7 or 8, when he takes care of himself. He's tall, he's got a nice face, he has good hair, a nice body, and he dresses well without throwing off the gay vibe. My mother always asks why I don't just marry that nice Vince fellow. Then suddenly, for no apparent reason, he stops working out, starts eating bagel bites and big macs for dinner, and grows a neckbeard and an enormous unibrow. This man can go from a 7 or 8 to a pity 2. And then, after a couple of months like that, he's back to his usual self. This cycle repeats 2x or 3x per year. It's truly bizzare.

Vince is extreme, but any NPOA can be transformed into an unrecognizable schlub by a bad haircut or an ill-advised moustache. Even if he looks okay when you guys hook up, it pays to make sure he's not prone to this kind of bullshit. You don't want one of your girlfriends to run into your fugified POA and ride you on it.

Vulvatron out!

*"Piece of Ass" or "Nice Piece of Ass", shortened because I like acronyms.

Baseball

I can't speak for all the ladies in the land, but Maria and I live in The South, where a man is as likely to be wearing a baseball hat as he is likely to have a nose. Even when he's going out! Take off your hats you stupid fucks!
Fact: Having great hair will get you laid, regardless of what gender you are and what gender you are trying to pick up.
Fact: I can't see what your goddamn hair looks like if you're wearing a hat. Would you fuck a girl in a beekeeper outfit? Christ.
Fact: When you take your hat off after you've been wearing it and sweating in it half the night, even Brad Pitt ends up looking like Brad Pitt's Retarded Cousin. Leave it on or leave it at home, Jimbob.
Fact: Yankees or Nicks? Who gives a shit about baseball players and their shrunken beytsim. Do you play for Team Straight, that's what I want to know.
Fact: I didn't know that "rounding the bases" was also a sports term until I was twenty-five.
Hats off, motherfuckers!
Vulvatron Out!