Monday, September 7, 2009

How to evade your worst nightmare: the weeny-peeny

Alright ladies, you know you have encountered this before. Picture this scenario:
You pick up a fine man at the bar, the grocery store, the library, or the self-help section of the used book store (that's my favorite pick-up spot, they're always so vunerable), and you get said man to come back to your place. You both drink some wine to loosen up a bit, put on some jams from the Matrix soundtrack to set the mood, light some candles, and slowly begin to undress. You get his shirt off and it's just as you expected, nice abs and a firm chest, maybe a tattoo if you're into that kind of thing. But then you remove the pants and you gasp. Is that it? Is he not, you know, hard yet? You look up and realize yes, this is all there is. You suddenly become saddened and a little irritated. He has a weeny-peeny.

Now, normally you would go through with it because what the hell, sex is sex. But no. You deserve better. If your two fingers are more powerful then his tiny pecker then by all means ditch that small man and go home. Remember Woody Allen says that masturbating is making love to your best friend.

But how do you leave tactfully and with dignity? You don't want to offend the poor guy, you just don't wish to pursue your encounter any farther. Here's what to do if such situation arises.

First of all Don't:
Laugh, chuckle, smirk, or giggle (especially don't giggle)
Smile pitifully (he'll know)

You don't want to make him feel bad since men have such delicate self-esteem, especially about their dicks. You never know if you'll run into this guy again. Maybe one day he'll be interviewing you, taking your fingerprints, giving you a traffic ticket, or even giving you an audit. In other words don't burn bridges.
Here are some other options:

1. Look at your watch, check your cell phone, or look as if the lightbulb above your head just went off. Look embaressed and tell him that something suddenly came up.

2. Fake a bout of insanity and run out of the apartment/house/shack/whatever screaming and raving.

3. Answer your phone (it was on silent) and explain that your husband was just released from prison.

4. Tell him you think it would be grand if his golden retreiver joined in.

5. Tell him your best friend is sending you ESP messages and she's in trouble. Must leave now to save her.

6. Start talking like Tarzan. Me want cock.

7. Better yet, picture yourself as a sexy yoda. Cock to me belongs.

8. Tell him your water just broke. Dammit, you didn't even know you were pregnant!

9. Tell him your cats are gonna love him.

10. Better yet, your kids are gonna REALLY love him.

11. Even better, tell him that you are saving yourself for marriage. Good thing you're all the sudden madly in love with him. Let's go to the chapel, baby. We'll save this for the honeymoon.

This is your horrified expression disguised as lust. Just make sure you get out of there, and quickly.

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